Today I got a text from you. I was in a meeting. My phone buzzed and I glanced down expecting to see my mother or friends name on the screen. But it was yours. I couldn't hide the smirk that involuntarily spread across my face. I could sense my demeanor had changed. I lifted my hand and cocked my head hoping others wouldn't notice, but by the glances of those across the table I knew they could sense something. Was I blushing? And I didn't even know what you said. All I knew was you were the reason my phone had just come to life.
When I am near you my heart skips a beat. When you happen to touch me I can feel you on my skin long after you are gone. Although I catch my breath if we touch I can't help myself from going stiff and pulling away. My heart is hard and my walls are high. But when I am with you I wish I could bring them down and be clay. You make me feel as though I were a young stupid girl again. I want to hope when I am with you.
When I pray I pray for a man like you. I know you are not perfect, but your devotion is admirable. To be with another I know I would have to give things up and leave myself vulnerable to influences that would change me and lead my focus. With you though I am not afraid of what I would have to give up. I trust you. I know that you would keep my focus deeper into where it belongs. I've known you for years and I can see from experience the things I would have to give up are only the things I want to let go of anyway, but hold onto in fear and lethargy.
Yet despite all this I don't trust you enough to not break my heart. I will never tell you any of this. My fear of rejection is too great. It runs my life. I am defeated by a message of undesirability thrown at me by our culture. I will never fit their mold. One word from you would erase all of these fears. And one word of rejection from you on this matter would deplete my last reserves of self confidence I cling to and lean on to wake up each morning and face life. And so the walls will stay up. In the sake of self preservation I will never take the risk.
No comments:
Post a Comment