From the fog

Today I took a walk and across the lake I can see Seattle covered in a light haze. Above there are breaks in the cloud cover and the rays of the sun are breaking through and illuminating small portions of the world below. One spot is hitting the lake and it is shimmering and shining. It's the way water is meant to be seen. All of it' recesses and peaks are at their best. It has dimension.

Normally when I write a post I unleash my inner sarcastic bitch and just have fun writing without the filters in my spoken dialogues. But today I write from my insecurities. Today I write from within my own fog wondering when the sun will get to me.

I feel rejected by the world. It is a strange feeling. I don't doubt my own self worth of the strength of my character. I feel I am well rounded, amiable, and have a good character. But I doubt that others value me.

It is a sad truth that we can't be whole without connection to other human beings. Sad not because a life in seclusion is better, but sad because those we depend on will always let us down. They are after all... Only human.

I am a religious person and so I do believe that God is there and so no matter what I am not alone. And that even if others don't value me God always will, just as I am. But today, that just doesn't seem tangible. To sit and watch a movie with God is just not the same as to sit and watch a movie with another human.

I suppose regardless where I find myself in life this will always be a problem. Even if I meet "the right one for me" and we get married and have a plethora of children, I'll still have days were I feel undervalued or unvalued altogether. As long as we need, we'll always find ourselves in moments of loss.