My Advice to the 14 Year Old Girl

Years ago when I was in college I used to co-lead a group of middle school girls at my church. I loved those girls and have often thought of them over the years. Thanks to Facebook I even awkwardly still am able to see what a few of them have been up to as they've found me and added me to their friends list.

As is the nature of being a leader of a group, I often was called upon to give advice to the girls. From time to time I think back on the advice I gave them and what I would tell them were I to go back with what I know now. So being reminiscent I decided to go ahead and write down what I would wish to tell them. It would go a little something like this...

My advice to the 14 year old girl:

1) If you think you're popular, you're not. You're probably a little bit of a bitch that people are trying to avoid. Truly popular people are the ones who are nice to everyone, have a lot of friends, and everyone feels comfortable around. They don't really consider themselves to be "popular" because they don't think themselves to be any more special than the next. - Be that kind of person.

2) That geek you're making fun of might one day be your boss. If not them, chances are someone like them will be the person who decided what financial resources you will have available to you throughout your life. So watch what you say and how you treat them. Start the behavior of respecting and being kind even to those who aren't like you now.

3) When you think you're ready to have sex, wait. You're not. If they says you'll regret it, you won't. If they says they loves you, they doesn't. And if they really do love you, they'll wait. So wait.

4) When you finally do have sex, use protection. Birth control AND a condom! You can't leave it to someone else to be responsible for consequences you have to deal with for the rest of your life.

5) Find a good mix of studying and school. You'll never have these years back and that works both in the area of the carefree high energy fun you'll have AND your chance to learn things that yes, will impact the rest of your life. So study seriously and be spontaneous when your schedule allows to have fun.

6) Spend one year of your adult life (20+) single! You have your whole life to be with someone, but you can't go back to figure out who you are, what your interests are, and what you want in a mate while you are in a relationship. Spending a year single will not only help you to know those things, but prove to you that you are whole in and of yourself and can survive come what may in life. That sense of self understanding will carry you confidently through life while others get caught up in identity crisis.

7) No one is perfect. That person you're dreaming about who says all the right things and is in totally sync with your every thought doesn't exist. Accept the fact that even "the right person" is going to annoy you sometimes, as you will them. And at times you will completely not understand each other or catch on to what they are saying or hinting. Let go of your lists. Choose a few non-negotiable, but make them realistic and about things that are truly important and confirm compatible with your moral/belief system. Definitely not a list. In the end, what really matters is can you trust them, are they dependable, do they make you feel good about yourself and special? All the rest you'll forget about and not consider it a compromise or settling if these things I've listed are true.

8) Respect yourself and know your value. If you don't know your worth, no one else will either. I'm not a cynic who believes the world is evil and everyone is on their own, but I do believe in the selfish side of human nature. Instinct and the strive for survival has inbred in us the drive of self first. We look at things always in our own light. However we also have it in our nature to be in relationship and therefore we do seek out connection with others. And when truly in love one side effect is STRIVING to put the other before our self, although often failing.
Therefore it is inevitable that no matter how great another may love you, they will never be able to be your solid foundation on which to carry your self esteem and self worth. And when they fail, if your security is in them, so will your sense of self value. You are a unique and wonderful being. No one in all time is like you. There is a creator God who not only knows who you are but planned you. You are not a mistake. And God is fiercely after you and loving you. So how can you not know how special you are? How can you not know that you are deserving of love, respect, and happiness? How can you devalue yourself to think you need someone else to make you special and you are not just intrinsically priceless? If you learn nothing else in your life, make sure you learn this. Know your own value and respecting yourself... that will make all the difference. You will never know true happiness and be unshakable until you know your own worth.