A Promise Made

Stephen King was on the Today Show this last week to talk about his most recent book.  It is about a man who has lost faith and starts questioning everything he believes in.  They asked him if this book represented a truth in his own life that he too was questioning faith, and asked him if death was what he feared most.  His answer resounded with the truth of my own life.  He is not afraid of death.  His writings were just musings.  In reality he has no fear of death.  No, his greatest fear is not death.  It is Alzheimer's.  The fear that this sickness might steal his last years.

As a woman of deep faith, with a family history of generation after generation of my matriarchs having their last years stolen from them by this disease, Stephen Kings fears resonate within me.  Death I do not fear.  It is something I will gladly welcome.  Death will not be an end.  But Alzheimer's... that will be an end.  A prison to my last days that will steal all that the time before has given me. 

Tonight I sat with my mother as I have most Wednesday's for the last several years.  I think it is four years now we have had this tradition.  We go wine tasting together.  This last winter, almost a year now, my father retired and he now goes with us.  I so looked forward to when he would retire and be able to finally join us in this tradition.  It's odd that now I can't remember him not being there.  We spent 3 years in this tradition with him only rarely being there, but already he is a key to these nights that I can't separate him from the memory.   

If anyone has reason to fear the fate of this identity stealer, it would be my mother.  She is one generation closer to this horror of a genetic prison, and one generation potentially removed from a cure.  At least for me there is more time.  My mother still has time, and God willing will never know the reality her mother currently is in.  But still there are no guarantees as time marches on. 

She turned to me tonight and said "if I ever get Alzheimer's and am in a nursing home, promise me you will bring me good wine."  I laughed and said I promise you I will, and I will drink it with you.  We made light of the conversation, with my Dad joking her response would not excitement over the company, but concern over others stealing what she perceived as the good wine out of her cellar.  The confusion does sound a little too real.  But tonight we'll have a good laugh.  And tonight I'll make a promise to myself that if this conversation ever becomes more than a light musing, I will follow through with my promise made.  The location may change, but Wednesdays will always be our tradition. 

How Guys Make Girls Crazy

I can't take credit for this because I didn't say it, but I once heard it said "It's not that girls are naturally crazy.  It's guys acting stupid that makes girls crazy."

So with Valentines day fast approaching, here are a few examples straight out of the crazy love birds around me of what NOT to do if you want your girlfriend to remain sane:

• Don't talk about getting married and then later act like she's come up with this "assumption" you might be headed that direction all on her own.
• If you say you want to buy tickets to the Justin Timberlake concert next time he's in town, are you really going to get pissed at me for assuming you like his music?  
• If you say you are going to take a vacation to Hawaii in the future, are you really going to get pissed when I later suggest a restaurant to check out if you do go? 
• These examples aren't perfect, but they show the same concept- if you express a feeling/emotion/desire people are going to assuming what you said was true.  Unless you are a pathological liar.  Are you?  If so we have a whole new problem. 
• Don't talk about a timeline of when you will get married (next fall, next spring, in a year) and then get mad at her for "pressuring you" when that time starts approaching and she asks if that is still your plan. 
• #1- You're the one who set the time, she's just trying to manage her expectations.
• #2- If you respect her AT ALL then you should respect her time and not jerk her around.  It's not about planning YOUR life singular, it's about planning YOUR life PLURAL.  If you can't even take her time into consideration yet, then you're not ready to be talking about getting married and you need to give her a little respect and let her know. 
• #3- Realize that a reasonable timeline for planning a wedding is a MINIMUM of 6 months.  So if you haven't proposed and you're within 6 months, you're going to drive your girlfriend crazy.  And no, this isn't girls being unreasonable, this is girls being realistic because they know something you haven't taken the time to understand. Which is: The # of Engaged Couples wishing to get married in X Month is greater than the # of Wedding Venues in most major cities.  Which means they book up YEARS in advance in some cases.  Plus planning weddings are stressful.  So if your girl knows your planning to get married 6 months from now and you haven't proposed, she knows that isn't going to happen unless you have a family member you want to get married to in their back yard with a pock luck reception.  Maybe your idea of a great wedding, but it is hers?  So stop being pissed, and start telling the truth: you're not ready yet.  If you think you're saving your or her feelings- you're not.  If she hasn't caught on yet, she will soon.  And then she'll just be mad at you for not being honest. 
• Don't take her ring engagement shopping and then tell her you're not sure you want to marry her. 
• You're not looking to buy a car or a house here.  This isn't go out, take a look, and then decide later if you want to go through with it.  Don't go looking until you know you are buying.
• The ring is a symbol of commitment.  So don't buy until the feelings of commitment are there, because that is the message you are sending. 
• You may be buying a ring with money, but the moment you even suggest ring shopping- you've just cashed an emotional check you can't return.