On Maintenance of Friendships Outside The Marriage

I am not married.  I hope one day to be, but for now I am merely a voice from the cheap seats.  Should I be fortunate enough to meet the man of my dreams, Mr. Right, my soul mate, whom which would complete me... or any of the other overused prosaic phrases that one might use to romanticize the choice of a mate... well at that point I do hope I will be fortunate enough to have learned from the lessons which watching others already engaged in marriage have taught me. 

Today I was inspired to record those lessons.  In the tradition on my blog I am sure I will only have the wherewithal of will to follow through on just one or two entries.  So don't be surprised if this falls off.  But for now... here is the lesson of the day brought to you through years of observations of the misery I have seen unnecessarily played out in those I love and care fore's marriages. 

Now as a presupposition of this lesson it must be already established that it is necessary for a happy marriage to have friendships outside of your partner in marriage.  I do believe this to be true, but that is not the point here, so I shall not waste time establishing this as fact. Perhaps at some future time I shall take up this point, but for now let us just work off the assumption this is true.

Today's lesson comes with a few simple points which as are follows: 

1. Your partner will have friends that are not the people you would have chosen.  You are two different, sometimes very different, people who have chosen to align your lives.  So it will come to be that you will not always have the same taste in choice of friendships.
2. You must allow your partner to be friends with whom ever they chose or they will resent you.  The only exception to this rule is in the case the friend is a very bad influence, and in this case you must have proper proof.  Things such as a friend that encourages them into alcoholism or other substance abuse.  A person with whom they are finding themselves in danger emotionally, physically, or with the law.  Or a person whom is disrespectful or disparaging towards yourself and your marriage with your spouse.  And on this last point the disrespect cannot be that they consume too much of your spouses time.  That is not the friends fault but your spouses.  A point which I will come to later.  
3. You must allow your spouse time to meet with their friends alone if they so desire.

How to navigate the maintenance of friendships while allowing your marriage to thrive:

Now please note:  All of the following steps are on YOU and not your spouse.  These must be read with a look in the mirror, not a judging glance towards your mate.

1. While time spent with a friend and without your spouse is in fact good for your marriage, the time you spend with that friend cannot always be without your spouse.  You need to invite your spouse along from time to time to show them that 1- they are included, 2- there is nothing to hide, and 3- you do not value the friend above your spouse.  Which brings me to the next point...
2. You cannot value your friend above your spouse.  If your spouse is not #1 your marriage is doomed to misery and jealousy... and can you really blame your spouse for that?  How would you like to learn that they valued another's input into your marriage and life above your own?  Or how about if your spouse ignored you when you really needed them because someone else was expecting them? 
3. Having a regular committed time to meet with a friend can be both advantageous and harmful to you and your marriage.  When you have a regular time to look forward to that you know you will see your friend, this can be a beacon of hope in a time of depression.  It gives you a mark to move towards when times are tough.  However having these appointments too often can be damaging to your spouse as they can feel abandoned or that you are violating point #2.  Additionally when the appointments are set as if in stone, you can miss opportunities that will mean so much to your loved ones.  We show our true devotion to things by how we prioritize them in our life.  So by making that appointment too frequent or unmovable, our actions scream to those around us where our true devotion lies.  Weekly may be too often unless the weekly appointment is in practice more of a "bi-weekly" or monthly plan due to the looseness with which it is kept and moved for the things of life that arise. 
4. Although your friendships are YOUR friendships- you are married now.  Which means your time is not always just your time.  Someone else has a claim on it.  Therefore you must communicate with your spouse regarding when you are seeing friends and who you are seeing.  Maybe you have a spouse that doesn't care what you do with your time most days as they also go about an independent schedule.  Maybe you have a spouse that plans their day around yours.  The trick it to know the person you are married to, but regardless if it is before the meet up or after, the trick is to always communicate who you see and when.  Not because your spouse owns you, not because they are keeping tabs on you.  Simply because you respect them, their time, and want them to know you are hiding nothing.  Openness is essential in a shared life.  Remember, they cannot read your mind, only your actions and words. 
5. Finally... to build off points 3 and 4... before entering into any regular agreement on time with a friend, you MUST include your spouse.  This must be a mutual decision, agreement, compromise...which ever you have it.  Regularly occurring means regularly influencing your spouses life and time.  It's not about what YOU deserve.  It's not about your freedom or ability to control your life.  It's about respect, respect, RESPECT of your spouses time and how this influences them and will ultimately take time away from them.  That is why you include them in the decision.  Because your spouse DESERVES to have a say in how their life is planned.  So talk to them and agree upon an occurrence and time to make sure this doesn't take away from your marriage, but instead adds to it.  When your spouse is included, they will be much more likely to be in support of the friendship and regular appointment verses seeing this as a threat. 

It's inevitable that at some point your spouse is going to have an issue with one of your friends or with the time you are spending with friends.  I'm not saying these rules will prevent that.  I'm just saying these rules will help you to navigate having friends other than your spouse while minimizing conflict.  When conflicts do arise, I find this general rule of thumb I once heard from a marriage counselor to be most helpful.  I do believe it would have prevented many arguments which I have heard my loved ones lamenting on: Put yourself in your spouses mindset.  Not how YOU THINK the situation is.  Stop, really listen, clarify with them what they are saying. Even if you don't think the same way, try to understand from their point of view.  Everyone experiences things differently.  Everyone comes at things with different presuppositions and experiences that they pull form to understand a situation. 

In my own words I would add: Don't be so arrogant to think your way is the right way.  Don't allow the selfish thoughts to persist saying you don't need to be considerate of your spouse, their feelings, and their time.  You gave up that right when you decided to align your life with another person who thinks and feels very independently from you. 

Well I guess you are an adult.  You can be as arrogant and selfish as you want... you know, if you enjoy being in a miserable marriage and divorce looming on the horizon.  But now I am getting into a whole new topic which I shall have to save to maybe write on another day. 

But then again... who am I to say... I'm just the girl in the cheap seats.