Just kind of frustrated with life. Not that my life is terrible. I am well aware that to an extent I am spoiled. More frustrated with the fact that I don't see any change on the horizon. There is fun to be had, plenty to do, career stability, etc. But I see nothing in the future that might turn things drastically from where they are now.
I guess to some a drastic change might not be such a good thing. But I crave it. I love the unpredictable life. A life that is plannable is boring, leaves nothing to be desired. Sometimes I just want to be uprooted. Dropped in a new place with nothing the same. I feel a war inside of me. I love my family and friends but I would also love to leave them. It sounds strange to say. There is nothing wrong with them and I would be sad to lose all of them. I would be devastated to not be a part of my nieces life. But some days I just want to get on a plane and not look back. My life feels like a prison, not my relationships.
They say if you want change in your life you have to create it. Am I lazy that I don't do more to change my circumstances? Have I grown complacent by stability? Afraid to make a change as I've built myself a prison. Not with metal bars and chains, but with mortgage payments and "responsibilities".
Another year passes and I still haven't gone anywhere interesting. The money I worked so hard to earn is gone. I owe less to a bank, but I have nothing to show for my life than the concept of decreased debt. Dept that exists in records on a machine, nothing you can touch or show off. My vacation money swallowed up in an effort to secure a lower interest rate. In the long run I will save, but for now it means one more year of being stuck without the finances to escape even for a short bit.
When you are young you say you can't wait to grow up because then you'll be able to make your own decisions. Then you can go to amazing places. You can buy what you want without anyone questioning it. You can come home as late as you want and no one cares.
Then you get a job, learn what bills are, have to answer to a boss, and find that if you don't get a decent nights sleep your work starts to slip and a new stress comes upon you such as never before. Sure I get to decide between putting my money into things such as a home and retirement or vacations now and poverty in old age. Sure, I get to decide whether to do what my boss says or find a new job. Sure, I get to decide between getting to work on time or hitting the snooze and missing that really important meeting. You're right, they are now my choices to make.
This is growing up. How glamorous.
