To Run Without Ceasing

I'm not a natural runner.  My body definitely wasn't built for this.  In fact, the summer I spent training for a half marathon put me into a year of physical therapy to heal from the toll it took on my body. Granted I am pretty darn proud to say I have now run 2 half marathons (since I've run 2 halves can I just consider it equal to running a full?).  Funny thing is I don't think most people would believe me by my physical appearance.   Because I definitely don't look like a runner as well. 

Because of the damage to my lower body from running I've really had to scale back and have laid off of running.  Last summer I did an occasional run, but have stuck mostly to the elliptical, stair stepper, and work out videos.  Even that though... not so regularly as I should.  So I was shocked when yesterday I decided to go for the first run of the season (Yeah!  Spring time is FINALLY here!) and to my amazement I was able to run about 4 miles without stopping.  Yikes!  Not as out of shape as I thought apparently.  Granted it was a slow, labored run, but I'll take it!

When I got home my roommate- who by all accounts looks like a runner - was impressed and commented that she doesn't know how I do it.  Well, allow me to share with you my strategy to run without ceasing regardless how out of shape you think you are.

1. It can't be a race.  Your goal can be time OR your goal can be distance, but not both.  Train yourself to run fast by doing short bursts of speed followed by recovery (walking) and repeating.  Train yourself yourself to endure and run distance by keeping a comfortable pace.  I'm not saying don't challenge yourself.  I am saying though you need to find a pace that is sustainable.  Don't sprint.  If you're looking to increase your speed, switch off between running some days for speed as I described, some days for distance.  The days of running for speed will rub off on your days of running for distance and you'll find yourself being able to maintain a faster pace with comfort.  But to the point of running without ceasing- you're running for distance.
2. Don't stop to catch your breath.  When you start walking to catch your breath, all the fatigue sets in and it will be even more draining when you try and start again- if you can start again.  It's natural you will experience waves of fatigue.  They will pass.  If you need to, slow your pace down.  But keep running.  Even if it hurts*.  Push through, it will pass and you'll feel great when it does. 
3. Don't save anything for the way home.  When I was younger one of my favorite movies was GATACA.  It takes place in the future where the norm is for parents to have doctors make designer babies that weed out less "desirable" traits in their children.  The main character was born through natural means- no designer genes- and therefore is considered inferior.  His younger brother is a designer baby, so when the main character ends up accomplishing greater things than he does, he up challenging him to a physical competition- to swim as far as they can into the Ocean.  First one to turn back loses.  The main character ends up beating his brother and explains the way he did it is by never saving anything for the way back.  Don't worry about saving energy to get home.  Don't think about it.  Just think about the next couple of minutes.  Find a goal a short distance ahead of you.  When you reach it, find another.  Keep going.  You'll find the strength to get there when you are there.  Don't turn back afraid you won't make it. 
4. Know the difference between pain of fatigue and pain of doing damage to your body.  If something feels wrong- stop.  A little muscle soreness is normal. You're making your body do things it's not used to.  But don't push yourself to the point of damage like I did.  Make sure you really stretch properly after you finish running.  Hold your stretches for at least 30 seconds.  If a muscle is sore, do a couple good stretches that focus on that muscle.  And based on my experience - make sure you find some good stretches for your IT band and your Piriformis.  (Bet you didn't know you had a Piriformis did you?  I didn't until I got Piriformis Syndrome and Bursitis in my IT band.  Fun stuff.  All could have been avoided by 30 seconds of stretching after running.  Don't spend a year in PT.  Stretching is so much easier!)

I carry my regret with me (I carry it in my heart)

Regret...

When you live with regret, you are unable to leave the past behind you.  You carry it with you.  Unable to get by.  It can be a road block or a stumbling block.  It makes you continuously look back.  Sometimes with anger, sometimes with sadness.  The point is you know you messed up or missed out.  You know things could have been different, and you believe had they been, your life would now be better than where you are. 

I don't know if that is true- the assumption life would be better.  We all like to assume it is.  At least we wouldn't be carrying this with us.  Unable to get past.  It's the weight we wish we could let go of. 

In a morbid way, I associate regret with the poem by E.E. Cummings' "I carry your heart with me".  I know this poem is about a deep love, but replace the main subject with regret and it is hauntingly true. 

• I carry my regret with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go it goes, my dear; and whatever is done by only me it is doing, my darling)

We do carry our regrets with us in our hearts. We allow them to influence our fate. We allow them to keep us apart from future circumstances and connections with others. 

It's silly the things I find myself most regretting.  The things where people were hurt, I find I am able to eventually move on.  I know that is what I should most regret because I hurt someone.  But that's not what I find myself, year after year, time after time, coming back to. 

It's the missed opportunities at connecting with others I regret.  There is one specifically I come back to.  It's been almost 10 years now, and I still find myself always wondering what if. One person I wish I had taken a risk on.  How my life could have been different. 

I think I regret this one the most because the opportunity was there. Only, I was naive.  Silly thing is with all I've learned since then, I am still the same girl underneath.  I don't know if things would be different now.  I still get shy, blush and close off when I figure out the object of my affection returns my feelings.  Rather then being emboldened I press back.  It's always the ones I am not that interested in that I can have courage with. 

There is this dream image in my head of how my life would have been different.  The different job I would have because I had a support system focused in the same direction to encourage me on.  I would have gone on for my masters and be working in the area of which I studied rather then some random job I came upon.  I would be married and have children instead of feeling stood up by Prince Charming and like I need to prepare myself for the possibility I won't have the opportunity to have my own children.  I'd be living somewhere else instead of within a couple of miles of where I grew up. Life would be exciting, without regret looming over me.

That is the dream I like to hold onto in my moments of reflection and self pity.  When I realize it's been years since someone showed interest in me romantically and I threw away these opportunities when I was younger.  When I wonder what life would have been like if only...

But let's be realistic.  Let's paint a different picture.  I see myself implanted in this dream with who I am now, all that I've experienced and all that I've learned.  But the truth is if things had gone differently back then... I wouldn't be this person.  And I think even back then, deep down, I knew I would be giving up things I wanted to have gone down that road. 

I was just coming into my self realization.  Understanding who I was, gaining confidence in myself, learning my independence.  If I would have been in a relationship at so young an age (although I felt quite old enough), I would have missed out on knowing who I was as myself.  Not the me who others told me I was or imposed upon me to be.  The me uninhibited. 

In the years that followed I was drastically shaped anew into a different, stronger, person.  The dependent child that wanted others to do everything for me grew up and started taking pride in self accomplishment.  I moved across the world for a year, and my own greatest amazement, not only did I not fear at being on my own, but I realized I didn't want others to look over me.  I had to make a conscious effort to connect with my family back home because with them out of sight, I found they were often out of mind.  Weeks would pass without us connecting and I receive a worried e-mail or phone call at an odd hour.  Gone was the expectation I had as a child of living near my parents so that we could still see each other often.  Instead replaced with a desire to see as much as I could see and go as far as I could go. 

My respect for others and allowances for differences of cultures and traditions was formed in those next few years as well.  My assumptions on life were challenged and I was made better for it.  If I had not experienced those years, I would be a much more closed off person imposing my preferences upon others under the assumption it was "common knowledge" or the "right" way to do things.  I wouldn't have realized how relative common knowledge and even morality can be based on where you live and how you grew up. 

And then there is something as simple as the foods which I eat.  I am sure this would be different.  I gag at the things I used to think great dishes, and laugh at how I turned up my nose up at what is now some of my favorite foods.  Growing up on casseroles with salt and pepper being the main spice of the night, the first time I ate a "spicy" curry I found myself (to great embarrassment) with eyes and nose running, mouth burning, and trying desperately to hide it from my host.  What was I am told a "mild" curry at that time was the spiciest thing I had ever tasted in my life.  Today, I love spice and order a 3 or 4 out of 5.  Instead of corn being my favorite vegetable (it is actually a starch) I love bokchoy, eggplant, bell peppers, raw carrots, tomatoes (ok, it's a fruit) etc etc etc...  And I can now say I've tried Horse, Rabbit, Duck (one of my favorites), Crocodile, Emu, Kangaroo, Whale, Snails... and all sorts of "treats" from around the world that I have no idea what I ate.

The point being, all of this I wouldn't have done, tried, and become had things been different.  I carry this dream with me.  I carry it in my heart.  I allow it to make me unhappy and unsatisfied.  But had it been, all that I am now would not be.  And I would be dreaming another dream, just as illusive, of where else I might be.