On Maintenance of Friendships Outside The Marriage

I am not married.  I hope one day to be, but for now I am merely a voice from the cheap seats.  Should I be fortunate enough to meet the man of my dreams, Mr. Right, my soul mate, whom which would complete me... or any of the other overused prosaic phrases that one might use to romanticize the choice of a mate... well at that point I do hope I will be fortunate enough to have learned from the lessons which watching others already engaged in marriage have taught me. 

Today I was inspired to record those lessons.  In the tradition on my blog I am sure I will only have the wherewithal of will to follow through on just one or two entries.  So don't be surprised if this falls off.  But for now... here is the lesson of the day brought to you through years of observations of the misery I have seen unnecessarily played out in those I love and care fore's marriages. 

Now as a presupposition of this lesson it must be already established that it is necessary for a happy marriage to have friendships outside of your partner in marriage.  I do believe this to be true, but that is not the point here, so I shall not waste time establishing this as fact. Perhaps at some future time I shall take up this point, but for now let us just work off the assumption this is true.

Today's lesson comes with a few simple points which as are follows: 

1. Your partner will have friends that are not the people you would have chosen.  You are two different, sometimes very different, people who have chosen to align your lives.  So it will come to be that you will not always have the same taste in choice of friendships.
2. You must allow your partner to be friends with whom ever they chose or they will resent you.  The only exception to this rule is in the case the friend is a very bad influence, and in this case you must have proper proof.  Things such as a friend that encourages them into alcoholism or other substance abuse.  A person with whom they are finding themselves in danger emotionally, physically, or with the law.  Or a person whom is disrespectful or disparaging towards yourself and your marriage with your spouse.  And on this last point the disrespect cannot be that they consume too much of your spouses time.  That is not the friends fault but your spouses.  A point which I will come to later.  
3. You must allow your spouse time to meet with their friends alone if they so desire.

How to navigate the maintenance of friendships while allowing your marriage to thrive:

Now please note:  All of the following steps are on YOU and not your spouse.  These must be read with a look in the mirror, not a judging glance towards your mate.

1. While time spent with a friend and without your spouse is in fact good for your marriage, the time you spend with that friend cannot always be without your spouse.  You need to invite your spouse along from time to time to show them that 1- they are included, 2- there is nothing to hide, and 3- you do not value the friend above your spouse.  Which brings me to the next point...
2. You cannot value your friend above your spouse.  If your spouse is not #1 your marriage is doomed to misery and jealousy... and can you really blame your spouse for that?  How would you like to learn that they valued another's input into your marriage and life above your own?  Or how about if your spouse ignored you when you really needed them because someone else was expecting them? 
3. Having a regular committed time to meet with a friend can be both advantageous and harmful to you and your marriage.  When you have a regular time to look forward to that you know you will see your friend, this can be a beacon of hope in a time of depression.  It gives you a mark to move towards when times are tough.  However having these appointments too often can be damaging to your spouse as they can feel abandoned or that you are violating point #2.  Additionally when the appointments are set as if in stone, you can miss opportunities that will mean so much to your loved ones.  We show our true devotion to things by how we prioritize them in our life.  So by making that appointment too frequent or unmovable, our actions scream to those around us where our true devotion lies.  Weekly may be too often unless the weekly appointment is in practice more of a "bi-weekly" or monthly plan due to the looseness with which it is kept and moved for the things of life that arise. 
4. Although your friendships are YOUR friendships- you are married now.  Which means your time is not always just your time.  Someone else has a claim on it.  Therefore you must communicate with your spouse regarding when you are seeing friends and who you are seeing.  Maybe you have a spouse that doesn't care what you do with your time most days as they also go about an independent schedule.  Maybe you have a spouse that plans their day around yours.  The trick it to know the person you are married to, but regardless if it is before the meet up or after, the trick is to always communicate who you see and when.  Not because your spouse owns you, not because they are keeping tabs on you.  Simply because you respect them, their time, and want them to know you are hiding nothing.  Openness is essential in a shared life.  Remember, they cannot read your mind, only your actions and words. 
5. Finally... to build off points 3 and 4... before entering into any regular agreement on time with a friend, you MUST include your spouse.  This must be a mutual decision, agreement, compromise...which ever you have it.  Regularly occurring means regularly influencing your spouses life and time.  It's not about what YOU deserve.  It's not about your freedom or ability to control your life.  It's about respect, respect, RESPECT of your spouses time and how this influences them and will ultimately take time away from them.  That is why you include them in the decision.  Because your spouse DESERVES to have a say in how their life is planned.  So talk to them and agree upon an occurrence and time to make sure this doesn't take away from your marriage, but instead adds to it.  When your spouse is included, they will be much more likely to be in support of the friendship and regular appointment verses seeing this as a threat. 

It's inevitable that at some point your spouse is going to have an issue with one of your friends or with the time you are spending with friends.  I'm not saying these rules will prevent that.  I'm just saying these rules will help you to navigate having friends other than your spouse while minimizing conflict.  When conflicts do arise, I find this general rule of thumb I once heard from a marriage counselor to be most helpful.  I do believe it would have prevented many arguments which I have heard my loved ones lamenting on: Put yourself in your spouses mindset.  Not how YOU THINK the situation is.  Stop, really listen, clarify with them what they are saying. Even if you don't think the same way, try to understand from their point of view.  Everyone experiences things differently.  Everyone comes at things with different presuppositions and experiences that they pull form to understand a situation. 

In my own words I would add: Don't be so arrogant to think your way is the right way.  Don't allow the selfish thoughts to persist saying you don't need to be considerate of your spouse, their feelings, and their time.  You gave up that right when you decided to align your life with another person who thinks and feels very independently from you. 

Well I guess you are an adult.  You can be as arrogant and selfish as you want... you know, if you enjoy being in a miserable marriage and divorce looming on the horizon.  But now I am getting into a whole new topic which I shall have to save to maybe write on another day. 

But then again... who am I to say... I'm just the girl in the cheap seats. 

The Glamour of Growing Up

Just kind of frustrated with life.  Not that my life is terrible.  I am well aware that to an extent I am spoiled.  More frustrated with the fact that I don't see any change on the horizon.  There is fun to be had, plenty to do, career stability, etc.  But I see nothing in the future that might turn things drastically from where they are now.

I guess to some a drastic change might not be such a good thing.  But I crave it.  I love the unpredictable life.  A life that is plannable is boring, leaves nothing to be desired.  Sometimes I just want to be uprooted.  Dropped in a new place with nothing the same.  I feel a war inside of me.  I love my family and friends but I would also love to leave them.  It sounds strange to say.  There is nothing wrong with them and I would be sad to lose all of them.  I would be devastated to not be a part of my nieces life.  But some days I just want to get on a plane and not look back.  My life feels like a prison, not my relationships. 

They say if you want change in your life you have to create it.  Am I lazy that I don't do more to change my circumstances?  Have I grown complacent by stability?  Afraid to make a change as I've built myself a prison.  Not with metal bars and chains, but with mortgage payments and "responsibilities". 

Another year passes and I still haven't gone anywhere interesting.  The money I worked so hard to earn is gone.  I owe less to a bank, but I have nothing to show for my life than the concept of decreased debt.  Dept that exists in records on a machine, nothing you can touch or show off.  My vacation money swallowed up in an effort to secure a lower interest rate.  In the long run I will save, but for now it means one more year of being stuck without the finances to escape even for a short bit. 

When you are young you say you can't wait to grow up because then you'll be able to make your own decisions.  Then you can go to amazing places.  You can buy what you want without anyone questioning it.  You can come home as late as you want and no one cares. 

Then you get a job, learn what bills are, have to answer to a boss, and find that if you don't get a decent nights sleep your work starts to slip and a new stress comes upon you such as never before.  Sure I get to decide between putting my money into things such as a home and retirement or vacations now and poverty in old age.  Sure, I get to decide whether to do what my boss says or find a new job.  Sure, I get to decide between getting to work on time or hitting the snooze and missing that really important meeting.  You're right, they are now my choices to make.

This is growing up. How glamorous.

To Run Without Ceasing

I'm not a natural runner.  My body definitely wasn't built for this.  In fact, the summer I spent training for a half marathon put me into a year of physical therapy to heal from the toll it took on my body. Granted I am pretty darn proud to say I have now run 2 half marathons (since I've run 2 halves can I just consider it equal to running a full?).  Funny thing is I don't think most people would believe me by my physical appearance.   Because I definitely don't look like a runner as well. 

Because of the damage to my lower body from running I've really had to scale back and have laid off of running.  Last summer I did an occasional run, but have stuck mostly to the elliptical, stair stepper, and work out videos.  Even that though... not so regularly as I should.  So I was shocked when yesterday I decided to go for the first run of the season (Yeah!  Spring time is FINALLY here!) and to my amazement I was able to run about 4 miles without stopping.  Yikes!  Not as out of shape as I thought apparently.  Granted it was a slow, labored run, but I'll take it!

When I got home my roommate- who by all accounts looks like a runner - was impressed and commented that she doesn't know how I do it.  Well, allow me to share with you my strategy to run without ceasing regardless how out of shape you think you are.

1. It can't be a race.  Your goal can be time OR your goal can be distance, but not both.  Train yourself to run fast by doing short bursts of speed followed by recovery (walking) and repeating.  Train yourself yourself to endure and run distance by keeping a comfortable pace.  I'm not saying don't challenge yourself.  I am saying though you need to find a pace that is sustainable.  Don't sprint.  If you're looking to increase your speed, switch off between running some days for speed as I described, some days for distance.  The days of running for speed will rub off on your days of running for distance and you'll find yourself being able to maintain a faster pace with comfort.  But to the point of running without ceasing- you're running for distance.
2. Don't stop to catch your breath.  When you start walking to catch your breath, all the fatigue sets in and it will be even more draining when you try and start again- if you can start again.  It's natural you will experience waves of fatigue.  They will pass.  If you need to, slow your pace down.  But keep running.  Even if it hurts*.  Push through, it will pass and you'll feel great when it does. 
3. Don't save anything for the way home.  When I was younger one of my favorite movies was GATACA.  It takes place in the future where the norm is for parents to have doctors make designer babies that weed out less "desirable" traits in their children.  The main character was born through natural means- no designer genes- and therefore is considered inferior.  His younger brother is a designer baby, so when the main character ends up accomplishing greater things than he does, he up challenging him to a physical competition- to swim as far as they can into the Ocean.  First one to turn back loses.  The main character ends up beating his brother and explains the way he did it is by never saving anything for the way back.  Don't worry about saving energy to get home.  Don't think about it.  Just think about the next couple of minutes.  Find a goal a short distance ahead of you.  When you reach it, find another.  Keep going.  You'll find the strength to get there when you are there.  Don't turn back afraid you won't make it. 
4. Know the difference between pain of fatigue and pain of doing damage to your body.  If something feels wrong- stop.  A little muscle soreness is normal. You're making your body do things it's not used to.  But don't push yourself to the point of damage like I did.  Make sure you really stretch properly after you finish running.  Hold your stretches for at least 30 seconds.  If a muscle is sore, do a couple good stretches that focus on that muscle.  And based on my experience - make sure you find some good stretches for your IT band and your Piriformis.  (Bet you didn't know you had a Piriformis did you?  I didn't until I got Piriformis Syndrome and Bursitis in my IT band.  Fun stuff.  All could have been avoided by 30 seconds of stretching after running.  Don't spend a year in PT.  Stretching is so much easier!)

I carry my regret with me (I carry it in my heart)

Regret...

When you live with regret, you are unable to leave the past behind you.  You carry it with you.  Unable to get by.  It can be a road block or a stumbling block.  It makes you continuously look back.  Sometimes with anger, sometimes with sadness.  The point is you know you messed up or missed out.  You know things could have been different, and you believe had they been, your life would now be better than where you are. 

I don't know if that is true- the assumption life would be better.  We all like to assume it is.  At least we wouldn't be carrying this with us.  Unable to get past.  It's the weight we wish we could let go of. 

In a morbid way, I associate regret with the poem by E.E. Cummings' "I carry your heart with me".  I know this poem is about a deep love, but replace the main subject with regret and it is hauntingly true. 

• I carry my regret with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go it goes, my dear; and whatever is done by only me it is doing, my darling)

We do carry our regrets with us in our hearts. We allow them to influence our fate. We allow them to keep us apart from future circumstances and connections with others. 

It's silly the things I find myself most regretting.  The things where people were hurt, I find I am able to eventually move on.  I know that is what I should most regret because I hurt someone.  But that's not what I find myself, year after year, time after time, coming back to. 

It's the missed opportunities at connecting with others I regret.  There is one specifically I come back to.  It's been almost 10 years now, and I still find myself always wondering what if. One person I wish I had taken a risk on.  How my life could have been different. 

I think I regret this one the most because the opportunity was there. Only, I was naive.  Silly thing is with all I've learned since then, I am still the same girl underneath.  I don't know if things would be different now.  I still get shy, blush and close off when I figure out the object of my affection returns my feelings.  Rather then being emboldened I press back.  It's always the ones I am not that interested in that I can have courage with. 

There is this dream image in my head of how my life would have been different.  The different job I would have because I had a support system focused in the same direction to encourage me on.  I would have gone on for my masters and be working in the area of which I studied rather then some random job I came upon.  I would be married and have children instead of feeling stood up by Prince Charming and like I need to prepare myself for the possibility I won't have the opportunity to have my own children.  I'd be living somewhere else instead of within a couple of miles of where I grew up. Life would be exciting, without regret looming over me.

That is the dream I like to hold onto in my moments of reflection and self pity.  When I realize it's been years since someone showed interest in me romantically and I threw away these opportunities when I was younger.  When I wonder what life would have been like if only...

But let's be realistic.  Let's paint a different picture.  I see myself implanted in this dream with who I am now, all that I've experienced and all that I've learned.  But the truth is if things had gone differently back then... I wouldn't be this person.  And I think even back then, deep down, I knew I would be giving up things I wanted to have gone down that road. 

I was just coming into my self realization.  Understanding who I was, gaining confidence in myself, learning my independence.  If I would have been in a relationship at so young an age (although I felt quite old enough), I would have missed out on knowing who I was as myself.  Not the me who others told me I was or imposed upon me to be.  The me uninhibited. 

In the years that followed I was drastically shaped anew into a different, stronger, person.  The dependent child that wanted others to do everything for me grew up and started taking pride in self accomplishment.  I moved across the world for a year, and my own greatest amazement, not only did I not fear at being on my own, but I realized I didn't want others to look over me.  I had to make a conscious effort to connect with my family back home because with them out of sight, I found they were often out of mind.  Weeks would pass without us connecting and I receive a worried e-mail or phone call at an odd hour.  Gone was the expectation I had as a child of living near my parents so that we could still see each other often.  Instead replaced with a desire to see as much as I could see and go as far as I could go. 

My respect for others and allowances for differences of cultures and traditions was formed in those next few years as well.  My assumptions on life were challenged and I was made better for it.  If I had not experienced those years, I would be a much more closed off person imposing my preferences upon others under the assumption it was "common knowledge" or the "right" way to do things.  I wouldn't have realized how relative common knowledge and even morality can be based on where you live and how you grew up. 

And then there is something as simple as the foods which I eat.  I am sure this would be different.  I gag at the things I used to think great dishes, and laugh at how I turned up my nose up at what is now some of my favorite foods.  Growing up on casseroles with salt and pepper being the main spice of the night, the first time I ate a "spicy" curry I found myself (to great embarrassment) with eyes and nose running, mouth burning, and trying desperately to hide it from my host.  What was I am told a "mild" curry at that time was the spiciest thing I had ever tasted in my life.  Today, I love spice and order a 3 or 4 out of 5.  Instead of corn being my favorite vegetable (it is actually a starch) I love bokchoy, eggplant, bell peppers, raw carrots, tomatoes (ok, it's a fruit) etc etc etc...  And I can now say I've tried Horse, Rabbit, Duck (one of my favorites), Crocodile, Emu, Kangaroo, Whale, Snails... and all sorts of "treats" from around the world that I have no idea what I ate.

The point being, all of this I wouldn't have done, tried, and become had things been different.  I carry this dream with me.  I carry it in my heart.  I allow it to make me unhappy and unsatisfied.  But had it been, all that I am now would not be.  And I would be dreaming another dream, just as illusive, of where else I might be. 

Just Not My Day...

So granted a lot worse things could happen, but today is definately not my day.

Monday, go figure.

It started when I was getting dressed with finding a hole in my pants that would have been noticable in a not so great place. I had done a giant load of laundry the night before and everything else was wet. Which meant finding the time to mend my pants.

Next I drove off to work without my purse. No badge to get past security, no office key, no wallet with drivers licence, no gym card for after work. Turn around to retrieve it. Yep, I'm definately past the couple minutes late mark.

Back on track I'm in the car pulling out of my neighborhood when my normally spill proof travel coffee mug slips out of my hand, lid comes off, coffee everywhere, including on me. Go directly to home. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Pull into work over an hour late. Definately not my day.